I'm having a hard day today. I want to to think on what is good and lovely and instead I'm replaying tapes in my mind of tough, bad and sad days. It's ironic really, I sat at the breakfast table as my kids talked about nightmares they hate and I said, "don't dwell on those things, God wants us to think about what is good and pure and honorable. We have to capture those bad thoughts and throw them out." Yet throughout the day I was dealing with un-redemptive thoughts and it was very hard to take them captive.
On days like today I replay things that happened as I grew up. I replay the day my mother told me she hated me when I was a brand new teen already unsure and confused about life. I replay the call as an adult where I told her if she wanted a real relationship with me, she'd have to work at it and take time to talk to me and gain my trust again, and she replied, "I'm not sure you're worth that." and she never called again. I replay so many heart breaks and memories that I wish I didn't have and my soul yearns to be free of that. I want good thoughts God. I want pure thoughts and honorable thoughts, but for half my life it was filled with people speaking negative into me, hurting me and using me. How do I separate those memories from who I am in Christ, for how I've been redeemed.
I know the battle plan. Take the thoughts captive, replace them with praise. Replace them with truth. I am loved, I am worth it. I'm so loved and so worth it that Christ came down to earth, left heaven with all it's glory and became nothing but a man and then died a horrible death. He says I'm worth it. He says I'm loved. He died so that I could be free from sin, from death, from hurt and live eternally in peace and joy and love with him. There are no tears there. I pray the memories of hurt are gone too. Yet the battle plan is hard at times. It's hard to replace the thoughts with the truth. It's hard to believe the truth when you've been told how worthless you are for so many years. So then the battle plan is to praise. Praise for the good.
I praise Him. I praise Him because I didn't end up the way I could have. I praise Him that he rescued me. When I was cast out, when even my high school didn't want me, when I was considered too high risk, He rescued me. I could have ended up on the streets like my mother. I could have ended up in jail, like so many family members. I could have ended up an alcoholic or in an abusive relationship. I could have followed in the foot steps of my blood. But instead HIS blood covered me. I praise HIM for HIS blood, that gave me forgiveness, that broke the cycle of the past, that said no, that's no longer your history, I AM. I praise HIM that I can be different, I can learn how to be, how to act, how to live as I follow HIS footsteps.
On days like today I can still praise, for God has done amazing things, and given me a life that some thought impossible. What can you praise God for today?