Finding my Focus

There are so many days that I feel defeated.   I loose my focus.  I start to see the yuck and not the God that is all powerful.  Tantrums and sibling fights.  Words coming out of a tiny mouth that should not be there.  I watch as my other children are effected by these tantrums.  I feel my time slipping away from them.   I hear my other kids say things like, "You always have to deal with her issues, you don't have time for me," and my heart breaks.  My chest physically hurts.  How am I supposed to do this God?  Why did you call me to such a hard task?  I'm one person, just one, I can't give all four kids all the time they need, do all the schooling they need and take care of the house and regular daily tasks.  There's not enough time in the day.  There's not enough resources. As I drive to the many counseling appointments I look back in the rear view mirror and see the arguments starting.  I see her kicking her siblings seats and purposely wanting to cause them anger and frustration. I see her eyes glare at them as she mouths, "I hate you," to them so I can't hear her, yet I see it.  Her dark eyes peer out at me, full of anger and pain.  My heart questions her future.  How I can I truly reach her?  When will she be fully healed?

Then there are gentle reminders that God's got me.  He can handle this and again the verse he gave me in the beginning comes to mind. "Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts. What are you O Great Mountain, before Zerubbabel,  you will become level ground. Then he will bring out the capstone to shouts of Grace to it." Again he speaks to me in this verse.  It's not just about adopting he whispers.  Having the adoption final isn't the end.  I'm at work.  I'm working to bring healing, and it will be long, but I will do it.  You will see my Grace.  Stop trying to do it in your own power and strength.  It's not all on you. It's not your responsibility, It's My Spirit.  My Grace is sufficient. I take a deep breath.  Breathing in his promises, his renewed strength. 

Then in the same moment I look back in the rear-view mirror and her little voice starts to belt out the song that's on the radio.  She sings to the Lord, with her eyes closed. "Take my heart. My bruises and my scars.  I'm coming as I am, the only way I can! I can't forget from where I've come or what my hearts been rescued from, but when they ask me who I owe my whole life to, I'll point to you! "    And I feel it welling up in my heart, hope rising.  Yes Lord, take her bruises and her scars, may it all point to you.  Not by my power, but by your Spirit Lord, you are at work.  I will choose to focus on what you ARE doing.

To listen to the full song she was belting out, check out it out here


  1. Praying for your sweet family. It has to be a hard road to walk. I was abused when I was 12. I can't imagine what she must be going thru at her age. Praying for strength for you. My brother was abused in foster care. My cousin took me in and I went thru counseling and a lot of healing while living with her. What your doing is so important and I believe that God will carry you through it.

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm glad that you have found healing.


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