A Glimpse of a Not so Good Day in my World
Over the last two years there have been a lot of bad days. A lot of learning how to reach this child and how to deal with her outbursts. Things are getting a lot better, but I wanted to give you all a glimpse of a not so great day in my home.
The day starts with waking up to children fighting. It's not every day, but it can sure feel like it is. It seems that my youngest knows how to push her siblings buttons very well. She can start an argument in no time at all. I wonder what hidden gift is in that? Immediately upon waking up I hear her screaming at the top of her lungs at her sister. It's almost always her sister. The sister that shares her room and is closest in age. The one who has Sensory Processing Disorder and especially doesn't like being yelled at. The other ones will usually ignore it, but my SPD child can't ignore it. It sends her into fight or flight. The reasons for the yelling change daily, but I always hear her screaming and calling my other daughter stupid or idiot or telling her she hates her. I wake up thinking, "Here we go again. Do I really have to get out of bed to face this. Why am I not sending her to school? I'm so sick of this."
In less than a minute both daughters will be in my room recounting what the other one did or said, as if our walls weren't paper thin, and I didn't already hear the whole debacle. I'll listen, direct them in making amends and send them on their way. Mentally preparing myself for the rest of the day of battles.
Getting dressed is the next obstacle to tackle. If her favorite clothes are clean she will cheerfully get dressed no problem. However, if she thinks she should get to wear shorts when it's 30 degrees and snowing and I say no, look out here comes a tantrum. She will get her mind set on wearing a certain color and if that color isn't available, melt down. If I find her an outfit that she normally loves, but it wasn't her idea to wear it...you guessed it another melt down. We've combated this one by learning about temperature. If it's under 70 degrees when she asks shorts aren't allowed. I have also hidden all clothes that are out of season. I've given her the responsibility to fill her hamper and once it's filled to bring it to me. I will do her laundry but now she's in control of whether her favorite clothes are clean or not. Once she's finally dressed it's time to do her hair. Hair...that lovely thing that causes crocodile tears daily.
Her hair is very curly, much like mine and my oldest daughters. I use special hair cream in it to smooth it out and I use a special oil on her scalp to help moisturize her head. That doesn't matter. Somehow her hair is a magnet for lint, crumbs, her food. Every morning I brush her hair and put it in pony tails or braids or something fun. When she first came to us her hair was very short. Too short for braids or a single pony but we would find ways to use pretty clips. She loves the way it looks after it's done, but she hates the process of brushing. I can barely touch her head and she starts jerking around screaming and crying. I've shown my husband how my hand can be inches away from her hair and she will still start screaming as if she's just been badly hurt. Sometimes I can side track her by playing a game that I'm finding animals in her hair. "Oh my is there a kitty cat in your hair? Yes there is. " "Meow, meow". I'll go through all the animals and she'll be side tracked enough to stop screaming. Sometimes I'll sing as I do her hair or get her to sing. However, two years into this and she still usually cries while having her hair done.
Breakfast time she'd usually get mad about something. She doesn't have as much cereal in her bowl. She wants the milk first. She doesn't like eggs. It doesn't matter what it is we are having or doing, she finds fault with it and starts another screaming fit. Quickly sending her to have a time in or doing a re-do usually curbs the behavior. I also have started letting everyone make their own breakfast. I'll tell them what I'm making and if they want it I'll make enough for everyone. If she says "I don't want that!" I'll calmly say, "Well then make what you do want. I know you are very capable. " She will usually find cereal or instant oatmeal that she likes. It curbs the war.
School time...it's unpredictable as to how she'll be day to day. She doesn't want my help one minute because she wants to surprise me that she can do it herself. She'll be smiling and happily working hard. The next minute she's screaming because I'm helping someone else and she suddenly needs my help. It's taken a lot of re-dos to remind her that when I'm helping someone else she needs to wait and work on what she can by herself. Usually when I get back to her she didn't really need help to begin with, she just wanted the attention. However, there are times that she will pretend she can't read a word I know she can, or do a math problem I know she knows how to do. She will cry and say she's stupid and can't do it because she's just dumb and scribble all over her page. In those moments I have to remind her of the truth, I know she can do it, she's smart and she needs to tell herself the truth.
There are days that the simplest thing makes her break down. Today I told her to go blow her nose. She stomped down the hall whining the whole way. "I don't know where it is, I'll never find TISSUE!!!" I can tell her where it is and she will argue that it's not really there, she's NEVER going to find it. I must say these times really wear my patience. I have to remember to send her to a time in immediately and have her re-do it right away otherwise my body language becomes annoyed and impatient.
When I tell her, "I am setting the timer for 10 minutes, you go into your room and clean up for 10 minutes and then the next person will clean up." We do this because we have found if she's in her room with her sister trying to clean together they just fight. She will go in there and spend the 10 minutes screaming and making up songs about how much she hates cleaning, hates her room and how she's not going to do it. While she's singing and screaming she does actually clean a bit. It makes me laugh inside. Her songs are usually pretty creative.
Everyday my husband has a business meeting over his computer. She knows what time it's at. Everyday without fail for many months she would lay on the floor kicking and screaming for no apparent reason right at the time she knew his call had started. A friend advised we take her out to the car. I started picking her up and carrying her to the car and sitting in it with her. This confused her. I said, "Okay, go ahead, throw your fit, no one will mind." She screamed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming confused. I sat looking at a book. "Oh, are you done? That was the quickest fit you've ever had." She looked at me through slanted eyes. "Are you ready to go inside and do what we're supposed to do." She nodded. "Great! Now if you decide you just need to yell and scream and kick again, you just say so and we will come right back out here where you can scream away." It worked! Her screaming fits each day during his morning meeting stopped.
By the time night came I was generally exhausted and just wanted no noise, no screaming. My days are slowly getting better. Her fits are getting shorter. We still have some sort of debacle daily, but now I know things that work to quickly stop her outbursts. The more she attaches to us and the more I have time to train her the more her behavior seems to improve. I have to focus on the little improvements and not the daily hardships.
The day starts with waking up to children fighting. It's not every day, but it can sure feel like it is. It seems that my youngest knows how to push her siblings buttons very well. She can start an argument in no time at all. I wonder what hidden gift is in that? Immediately upon waking up I hear her screaming at the top of her lungs at her sister. It's almost always her sister. The sister that shares her room and is closest in age. The one who has Sensory Processing Disorder and especially doesn't like being yelled at. The other ones will usually ignore it, but my SPD child can't ignore it. It sends her into fight or flight. The reasons for the yelling change daily, but I always hear her screaming and calling my other daughter stupid or idiot or telling her she hates her. I wake up thinking, "Here we go again. Do I really have to get out of bed to face this. Why am I not sending her to school? I'm so sick of this."
In less than a minute both daughters will be in my room recounting what the other one did or said, as if our walls weren't paper thin, and I didn't already hear the whole debacle. I'll listen, direct them in making amends and send them on their way. Mentally preparing myself for the rest of the day of battles.
Getting dressed is the next obstacle to tackle. If her favorite clothes are clean she will cheerfully get dressed no problem. However, if she thinks she should get to wear shorts when it's 30 degrees and snowing and I say no, look out here comes a tantrum. She will get her mind set on wearing a certain color and if that color isn't available, melt down. If I find her an outfit that she normally loves, but it wasn't her idea to wear it...you guessed it another melt down. We've combated this one by learning about temperature. If it's under 70 degrees when she asks shorts aren't allowed. I have also hidden all clothes that are out of season. I've given her the responsibility to fill her hamper and once it's filled to bring it to me. I will do her laundry but now she's in control of whether her favorite clothes are clean or not. Once she's finally dressed it's time to do her hair. Hair...that lovely thing that causes crocodile tears daily.
Her hair is very curly, much like mine and my oldest daughters. I use special hair cream in it to smooth it out and I use a special oil on her scalp to help moisturize her head. That doesn't matter. Somehow her hair is a magnet for lint, crumbs, her food. Every morning I brush her hair and put it in pony tails or braids or something fun. When she first came to us her hair was very short. Too short for braids or a single pony but we would find ways to use pretty clips. She loves the way it looks after it's done, but she hates the process of brushing. I can barely touch her head and she starts jerking around screaming and crying. I've shown my husband how my hand can be inches away from her hair and she will still start screaming as if she's just been badly hurt. Sometimes I can side track her by playing a game that I'm finding animals in her hair. "Oh my is there a kitty cat in your hair? Yes there is. " "Meow, meow". I'll go through all the animals and she'll be side tracked enough to stop screaming. Sometimes I'll sing as I do her hair or get her to sing. However, two years into this and she still usually cries while having her hair done.
Breakfast time she'd usually get mad about something. She doesn't have as much cereal in her bowl. She wants the milk first. She doesn't like eggs. It doesn't matter what it is we are having or doing, she finds fault with it and starts another screaming fit. Quickly sending her to have a time in or doing a re-do usually curbs the behavior. I also have started letting everyone make their own breakfast. I'll tell them what I'm making and if they want it I'll make enough for everyone. If she says "I don't want that!" I'll calmly say, "Well then make what you do want. I know you are very capable. " She will usually find cereal or instant oatmeal that she likes. It curbs the war.
School time...it's unpredictable as to how she'll be day to day. She doesn't want my help one minute because she wants to surprise me that she can do it herself. She'll be smiling and happily working hard. The next minute she's screaming because I'm helping someone else and she suddenly needs my help. It's taken a lot of re-dos to remind her that when I'm helping someone else she needs to wait and work on what she can by herself. Usually when I get back to her she didn't really need help to begin with, she just wanted the attention. However, there are times that she will pretend she can't read a word I know she can, or do a math problem I know she knows how to do. She will cry and say she's stupid and can't do it because she's just dumb and scribble all over her page. In those moments I have to remind her of the truth, I know she can do it, she's smart and she needs to tell herself the truth.
There are days that the simplest thing makes her break down. Today I told her to go blow her nose. She stomped down the hall whining the whole way. "I don't know where it is, I'll never find TISSUE!!!" I can tell her where it is and she will argue that it's not really there, she's NEVER going to find it. I must say these times really wear my patience. I have to remember to send her to a time in immediately and have her re-do it right away otherwise my body language becomes annoyed and impatient.
When I tell her, "I am setting the timer for 10 minutes, you go into your room and clean up for 10 minutes and then the next person will clean up." We do this because we have found if she's in her room with her sister trying to clean together they just fight. She will go in there and spend the 10 minutes screaming and making up songs about how much she hates cleaning, hates her room and how she's not going to do it. While she's singing and screaming she does actually clean a bit. It makes me laugh inside. Her songs are usually pretty creative.
Everyday my husband has a business meeting over his computer. She knows what time it's at. Everyday without fail for many months she would lay on the floor kicking and screaming for no apparent reason right at the time she knew his call had started. A friend advised we take her out to the car. I started picking her up and carrying her to the car and sitting in it with her. This confused her. I said, "Okay, go ahead, throw your fit, no one will mind." She screamed for a few seconds and then stopped, seeming confused. I sat looking at a book. "Oh, are you done? That was the quickest fit you've ever had." She looked at me through slanted eyes. "Are you ready to go inside and do what we're supposed to do." She nodded. "Great! Now if you decide you just need to yell and scream and kick again, you just say so and we will come right back out here where you can scream away." It worked! Her screaming fits each day during his morning meeting stopped.
By the time night came I was generally exhausted and just wanted no noise, no screaming. My days are slowly getting better. Her fits are getting shorter. We still have some sort of debacle daily, but now I know things that work to quickly stop her outbursts. The more she attaches to us and the more I have time to train her the more her behavior seems to improve. I have to focus on the little improvements and not the daily hardships.
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