Forgiveness Part 2
I think about that pink pig pillow pet, the counselor told us to let her rip to shreds. She would talk to it as if it were her abuser and then beat on it and bite it and yell at it. Something about that felt off to me. I felt like if we kept doing that over and over we were in some way perpetuating un-forgiveness and bitterness or violent behaviors. Yet in the exact same moment I felt as if she needed to be able to say those things and hit something and get all the aggressions out. I think it had it's place, it had it's season, but now it is time to move past that.
When my daughter first disclosed her abuse, she really did not grasp how bad it was. It was all she knew. It was her normal life. There are seasons she's gone through and will continue to go through as she processes where she's been. When she became aware that what happened wasn't okay or normal she went through anger and fear. She had to process the fact that she wasn't bad just because what happened was, that's a piece we continue to work on. At one point she was afraid that police were going to take her to jail too. It breaks my heart to think how scared she was in those moments.
She had plenty to be angry about too. She'd been abandoned, lied to, used, hurt. The person that was supposed to take care of her and protect her and love her, didn't. So when she'd scream at that pig pillow pet she'd say things like, "I hate you, I hope you stay in prison forever. I hope you die." and other times she'd almost cry, "You were supposed to love me!" I would stay back and let her say whatever she needed to say as she worked through her emotions. She'd ask me over and over, "Mommy why didn't he love me right?" and I'd assure her that it was not because anything she did. I'd assure her that he didn't know how to love right, and that I was so sorry she went through all she did. There were times that she'd say, "I wish my first family had been good to me and known how to love right." I wanted to cry in those moments and scream in the faces of those her hurt her, "Do you see this innocent child? Do you see what you did to her? She loved you and all she wanted was to be loved and taken care of." She went through a grieving process because once again she lost someone who was her primary care taker. I had to allow her to grieve, and allow her to process the hurt and pain that went with it.
As she's processing I realize that we need to teach her forgiveness towards them as well. I have not come right out and said, "You need to forgive them." I have read her Bible stories on forgiveness. We have talked about all the bad things that Joseph went through and how he chose to forgive his brothers. Recently when she was talking about the people she hates I stopped her and said, "We don't hate people. We can hate the things they did but we don't hate people." I think for me forgiveness is still taking shape. I'm coming to terms with what it means in our situation. I'm also realizing what forgiveness does not mean.
It does not mean forget, I know we will never forget what happened. It does not mean a relationship needs to be built up or kept or that we even need to think good thoughts about them. But, I know we shouldn't wish evil on them. Forgiveness for me was not taking "vengeance" but knowing that God would vindicate her and allowing the law and courts to do their job.
I once heard that you can measure your forgiveness based on if you are still angry when you think about the person. I think that is baloney. I still feel anger over all she went through, I still hurt for her. I still feel sick to my stomach at times. Those are not indicators of if I am showing forgiveness or not. Forgiveness for me is remembering that he and her birth mother were both little kids once just like my daughter, and no one got them help. No one protected them from abuse, so it just continued. It's knowing that God loves them the same way as he loves me and their actions have broken his heart, and if they were to ever turn from their sins and acknowledge him as LORD, he would forgive them and welcome them into heaven, just as he forgave me. While I know that, it's hard at times. The human part of me doesn't want to ever see them again or deal with them, even in heaven. The more "spiritually mature" part of me realizes that if they do truly accept Christ, they would be a new creation. Plus, when we're in heaven praising God, face to face with our creator, nothing else will matter. We won't look over and say, "I can't believe they're here, uh God I think there's some mistake."
I'm still figuring out how I teach my daughter forgiveness in this situation. I'm sure it will be a continual process as she grows. I want her to know it doesn't mean we think it's okay now, or we forget about it. It doesn't mean we give hugs and restore our relationships, like it does here at home. It just means we don't hold on to bitterness. We allow God to judge and we live our lives without being filled with hate or vengeful thoughts, because that will only hurt us and separate us from God.
It does not mean forget, I know we will never forget what happened. It does not mean a relationship needs to be built up or kept or that we even need to think good thoughts about them. But, I know we shouldn't wish evil on them. Forgiveness for me was not taking "vengeance" but knowing that God would vindicate her and allowing the law and courts to do their job.
I once heard that you can measure your forgiveness based on if you are still angry when you think about the person. I think that is baloney. I still feel anger over all she went through, I still hurt for her. I still feel sick to my stomach at times. Those are not indicators of if I am showing forgiveness or not. Forgiveness for me is remembering that he and her birth mother were both little kids once just like my daughter, and no one got them help. No one protected them from abuse, so it just continued. It's knowing that God loves them the same way as he loves me and their actions have broken his heart, and if they were to ever turn from their sins and acknowledge him as LORD, he would forgive them and welcome them into heaven, just as he forgave me. While I know that, it's hard at times. The human part of me doesn't want to ever see them again or deal with them, even in heaven. The more "spiritually mature" part of me realizes that if they do truly accept Christ, they would be a new creation. Plus, when we're in heaven praising God, face to face with our creator, nothing else will matter. We won't look over and say, "I can't believe they're here, uh God I think there's some mistake."
I'm still figuring out how I teach my daughter forgiveness in this situation. I'm sure it will be a continual process as she grows. I want her to know it doesn't mean we think it's okay now, or we forget about it. It doesn't mean we give hugs and restore our relationships, like it does here at home. It just means we don't hold on to bitterness. We allow God to judge and we live our lives without being filled with hate or vengeful thoughts, because that will only hurt us and separate us from God.
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