Laying it Down

Over the last couple month I have been bombarded with anxious thoughts and being completely overwhelmed.  Maybe you too have burdens you need to lay down. I thought I'd share what I was experiencing and a journal entry I wrote.

Why now? Why now do I feel like my head is spinning and the thoughts tumble in and out and clog my speech, clog the present? I hear the voices of my children singing and talking and screeching and yet I cannot concentrate on the words they are saying.  My head feels like it's in a fog.  The noise is overwhelming and I cannot think clearly.  My sentences come out jumbled often.  The noise of this house full of kids is too much.  The noise in my head is worse still.  My thoughts spill in and out of each other.

I see Danielle in her hospice bed in pain and I hear the nurse talk about increasing her morphine dose.  Then my thoughts tumble to a post I just read, she wrote on Caringbridge months before about morphine making her feel awful.  My heart aches, I didn't remember that in the moment.  I didn't remember that she hated morphine and didn't want to be on it.  What if her restlessness and tossing all night wasn't from pain, what if it was from the morphine. I see her pushing the medicine spoon away in a stupor and us tricking her to take it in a pop-sickle. I hear her crying out the morning she died saying over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." and Josiah running to her bedside awaken by her cries saying, "What's wrong momma, it's okay, you didn't do anything wrong, you don't have to be sorry." I see her fall back into her in coherent sleep. Tears cover my face. What if she could have had more time with us, why did I forget she didn't want morphine...then I cut myself off.  "You can't go there Missy, you can't think like that.  She's with Jesus now, she doesn't want you living this way."

I quiet my thoughts of Danielle and then my thoughts race to the next scene...the court room.  I'm staring at the man that hurt my daughter.  I'm hearing the counts against him and crimes he committed and I'm sickened.  My head races more I think of his phone calls to us.  I hear his voice yelling, telling us to take her out of counseling that he knew her better than anyone and she didn't need counseling.  He was scared, he knew he was about to get caught.  Then I think of the calls and the gifts he left on our lawn when we said we were advised to no longer have contact.  The sickness in his voice.  My skin crawls, and my chest pounds and I feel like I'm going to throw up.  I cut off those thoughts, "Don't think about that, it's over... he's been put away.  You are all safe." Then my thoughts cut back in, he knows where we live, he's been to our home.  What about when he gets out, what then. I tell myself not to worry about it.  We have years before that will happen.  I tell myself to stop thinking about that.

Then my mind begins to think about my mother and wonder where the heck she is. Why have I not heard from her in 5 years.  Why has she not picked up any DaySpring cards, or answered any emails.  She has my phone number, I never changed it...My heart starts to ache in my chest.  She could be dead and I could be sitting here with no clue.  Then my heart aches more and I think or she could just be that mean and my thoughts go through the years and years of trauma she caused.  I remind myself it's better to not have her in my life; Not causing chaos and strife and triangulation....I have enough of that already.  I remind myself she's sick and until she gets help it's better that she stays away.  But the pain still cuts.  I need a mom I think.  I know I'm a grown woman, but I still need a mom.  I see my mother in law and the way she gets excited to talk to her son.  I see my friends as their faces light up to talk to their adult children and I feel a void.  A void that lingers. I push it away, don't think about that I tell myself.

I block it out and focus on my children, in front of me.  I will be a mother to them.  I will give them all I didn't have.  As I look at them I feel so unequipped.  I have a child who has faced more abuse and trauma than I can wrap my head around, and I faced my share. She desires to be loved and yet pushes me away or pushes her siblings away. Her fits are constant and I am drained. I look at my next oldest and my brain spins some more.  Here she is this amazing, talented beautiful child one moment and the next she's a screaming out of control little girl.  My mind races.  I don't want for her the mental illness my mother had.  I don't want for her the life of sadness and fear and the lack of relationships.  I don't want that cycle to continue.  I'm doing everything I can. I want to help her thrive.  I think about her sensory processing disorder and wonder if that really explains everything. Why did her blood work come back all crazy again.  She can't absorb her vitamins. Her gut is a mess and it's making way too much serotonin but not absorbing the things she needs.  Once again I'm waiting for answers.  What does this all mean?  She has a mutation of her MTHFR gene.  What the heck does that even mean? We were sent to a specialist who ran a whole new round of blood and he says he thinks she has an auto-immune disease...  My head spins some more.  I'm tired.  I'm tired God.  I'm tired of thinking about all this stuff.  I'm tired of dealing with all this stuff.

Then my mind goes to my son.  My only son, who makes me laugh and wants to be a missionary but is so angry lately.  I think of him and all the changes in his life.  I think of how he holds on to and remembers every little thing and I worry about him. I feel like all my time is taken on my other kids and he gets the least of me. God fill in the gaps I can't be all things to all people all the time.  He'll be okay, I tell myself. God will carry him through but my heart yearns to do more.

My mind skips to my oldest daughter.  She amazes me with her creativity and her talents and her heart.  I think about the pocket of fluid on her brain that the doctors said wasn't a concern at this time.  I think about how it shrunk a little between CT and MRI when we were doing no sugar, no dairy strict diet and she wasn't having headaches.  She's been complaining of headaches again.  My head starts to hurt too.  What's causing the headaches?  Is it that fluid pocket? Maybe we need to go back on a super strict diet for her too.  Why is the pocket even there?
BREATH.

Why? Why now are my thoughts a jumbled mess.  Danielle has been in heaven for 4 months shy of 2 years...why now.  I thought I was doing okay, that I was strong. The court case has been over for 3 months shy of 2 years. I should be okay.  I held it together before.  I didn't even cry before.  Now I cry constantly and feel so weak.  Why now?

God help my thoughts to be calm.  Help me to not carry more than I need to.  Help me to lay this down at your feet.  Take this Lord.  Take this mess of my life.  This mess of chaos and medical concerns and broken people and relationships and bring healing, bring beauty.  God help us to bloom.  I want to bloom this year.  I'm tired of feeling broken and feeling like I'm stuck. Help us to break through to your glorious light like a flower breaking through the dead hard ground.  Help us to bloom.  May it be glorious and bring you glory.

This was my journal entry, and God reminded me that we all have burdens that we carry when he has told us to lay them down at his feet.  He reminded me that I need to lay it down over and over again.  Give him my fears and spinning thoughts and he will quiet my soul.  He will turn my mourning into dancing.  If I have to do it monthly or weekly or every minute of the day it's okay.  He's there ready to take the jumbled thoughts and concerns.  He's got this...I just need to lay it down.