No Guarantees
After I wrote the blog post Pursuing our Children I started thinking about the fact that just because we pursue our children, doesn't mean we will get good results. It is not an if/then law. There are no guarantees. I'm not trying to be depressive or doubt God's work, but I do want to be truthful in saying that adoption doesn't always end beautifully.
All adoption begins with brokenness. A child would never be placed for adoption if it weren't for some hurt, pain or trauma. Even in the "simplest" adoption of a birth mother looking through portfolios and choosing parents for her unborn child there is hurt and brokenness. For some reason the mother knows she cannot care for her baby. Maybe she's too young or unmarried or financially unstable. For whatever reason when a birth mother comes to the decision to give her baby to another family she is usually broken inside and hurting. She worries about her unborn child and grieves that she won't get to raise him or her. It's not beautiful, it's painful.
In the most severe cases the child is abused or neglected for years before being taken away from the birth family and placed in a loving home. Or the child sits in an orphanage and is deemed un-acceptable for one reason or another. The child waits for a family to come in orphanages that are too crowded. They don't receive the love and attachment they need to thrive so their brain development doesn't take place normally. Many of them are even abused by the orphanage workers. It's a broken, painful, traumatic start. There's nothing beautiful about it
Beauty does come in when God calls a family to take that child in and love them. When they are no longer an orphan but a son or daughter. It's beautiful, as it paints a picture of what Christ does for us. He takes us, strangers, estranged from him by our own brokenness, our own sin and he makes us his son or daughter and heir to eternal life. It is beautiful and it is a gift, a gift that we have to accept or deny. Just like there are many people who refuse God's gift to become his children, there are also many children who refuse to receive the love of their adopted parents. Just because God pursues us doesn't mean we all accept him, likewise just because we pursue our children doesn't ensure a "happy ending".
When we were first beginning the process to adopt our daughter we went to a family camp, unbeknownst to us the theme was adoption. At one point I looked around at the multi-ethnic families and thought, "Wow, this is a picture of heaven." Later that day I listened as a husband and wife spoke about their adoption experience. It was far from heavenly. They had adopted a pair of sibling girls from Russia. The girls had been older upon adoption. They had spent a few years in an orphanage after their birth parents died. This couple felt led by God to pursue these children and to bring them home and make them family. The older of the two girls had a very hard time adjusting to her new life. She caused all kinds of trouble and eventually she tried to run away with her boyfriend. When her father stepped in and tried to put an end to her relationship with the boy she accused her father of sexual abuse. For the next few years their lives were ripped apart as they had to prove his innocence. She was removed from their home and put in foster care. Their biological children and other adopted daughter were put through lots of questioning and interviewing. As I listened to this couple I sat in horror at the realization that there are children who are so unreachable they will go to extreme measures to push away the very people who are trying to rescue them. In this particular case it later came out that she had been abused in the orphanage and not by her father. Years later, after marrying and having her own children she did come back and apologize to her adopted dad for all she put them through. When I left that seminar my husband and I had no words. Our hearts were heavy for this couple and all they had gone through. They had loved her, they had traveled across the ocean to pursue her. They brought her home and spoke into her and all their effort did nothing, but bring them sadness.
I've met other adoptive families that are amazing, God honoring people, who had to relinquish the rights of their adopted children due to extreme behavior problems. It is heart breaking. I would NEVER tell them that they should have done something different, prayed more, pursued more. That's simply false! Just as God's heart breaks for his children that refuse to take his gift of salvation and eternal life, these parent's hearts broke as they saw their children refusing to BE their children. They were exhausted from the behaviors, they tried everything they could, used therapists and specialists and labored, and prayed and cried, but in many cases it just didn't work.
For children over the age of three at the time of placement 16 % of those adoptions fail or dissolve. For teens the rate of failure goes up to 24%. Of children that do have failed adoptions and have to be re-placed 70% were originally international adoptions. The number one reason cited is Radical Attachment Disorder. From infancy these children were not cared for, their needs went unmet and their brains literally did not form correctly. These children cannot reciprocate love or learn cause and effect the same way. The neglect or trauma they faced was so horrific they never are able to function in a normal family environment. Their brains never fully recover. In the majority of these cases we may never see the beauty. We may never understand why God led a family to adopt only to have something like that happen. All we can know is that we are to obey God's leading. We may not see the whole picture but he does.
Yes pursue your children, yes speak life and blessing into them and over them, but don't think by doing so it guarantees an easy or happy ending. God never promised that. He did promise through it all he'd never leave us or forsake us. I am called to obey him and to follow his leading and currently he's leading me to pursue my daughter's heart, tear down lies and build up other adoptive moms, and in it all to remember he is with me whether we see beauty or not.
All adoption begins with brokenness. A child would never be placed for adoption if it weren't for some hurt, pain or trauma. Even in the "simplest" adoption of a birth mother looking through portfolios and choosing parents for her unborn child there is hurt and brokenness. For some reason the mother knows she cannot care for her baby. Maybe she's too young or unmarried or financially unstable. For whatever reason when a birth mother comes to the decision to give her baby to another family she is usually broken inside and hurting. She worries about her unborn child and grieves that she won't get to raise him or her. It's not beautiful, it's painful.
In the most severe cases the child is abused or neglected for years before being taken away from the birth family and placed in a loving home. Or the child sits in an orphanage and is deemed un-acceptable for one reason or another. The child waits for a family to come in orphanages that are too crowded. They don't receive the love and attachment they need to thrive so their brain development doesn't take place normally. Many of them are even abused by the orphanage workers. It's a broken, painful, traumatic start. There's nothing beautiful about it
Beauty does come in when God calls a family to take that child in and love them. When they are no longer an orphan but a son or daughter. It's beautiful, as it paints a picture of what Christ does for us. He takes us, strangers, estranged from him by our own brokenness, our own sin and he makes us his son or daughter and heir to eternal life. It is beautiful and it is a gift, a gift that we have to accept or deny. Just like there are many people who refuse God's gift to become his children, there are also many children who refuse to receive the love of their adopted parents. Just because God pursues us doesn't mean we all accept him, likewise just because we pursue our children doesn't ensure a "happy ending".
When we were first beginning the process to adopt our daughter we went to a family camp, unbeknownst to us the theme was adoption. At one point I looked around at the multi-ethnic families and thought, "Wow, this is a picture of heaven." Later that day I listened as a husband and wife spoke about their adoption experience. It was far from heavenly. They had adopted a pair of sibling girls from Russia. The girls had been older upon adoption. They had spent a few years in an orphanage after their birth parents died. This couple felt led by God to pursue these children and to bring them home and make them family. The older of the two girls had a very hard time adjusting to her new life. She caused all kinds of trouble and eventually she tried to run away with her boyfriend. When her father stepped in and tried to put an end to her relationship with the boy she accused her father of sexual abuse. For the next few years their lives were ripped apart as they had to prove his innocence. She was removed from their home and put in foster care. Their biological children and other adopted daughter were put through lots of questioning and interviewing. As I listened to this couple I sat in horror at the realization that there are children who are so unreachable they will go to extreme measures to push away the very people who are trying to rescue them. In this particular case it later came out that she had been abused in the orphanage and not by her father. Years later, after marrying and having her own children she did come back and apologize to her adopted dad for all she put them through. When I left that seminar my husband and I had no words. Our hearts were heavy for this couple and all they had gone through. They had loved her, they had traveled across the ocean to pursue her. They brought her home and spoke into her and all their effort did nothing, but bring them sadness.
I've met other adoptive families that are amazing, God honoring people, who had to relinquish the rights of their adopted children due to extreme behavior problems. It is heart breaking. I would NEVER tell them that they should have done something different, prayed more, pursued more. That's simply false! Just as God's heart breaks for his children that refuse to take his gift of salvation and eternal life, these parent's hearts broke as they saw their children refusing to BE their children. They were exhausted from the behaviors, they tried everything they could, used therapists and specialists and labored, and prayed and cried, but in many cases it just didn't work.
For children over the age of three at the time of placement 16 % of those adoptions fail or dissolve. For teens the rate of failure goes up to 24%. Of children that do have failed adoptions and have to be re-placed 70% were originally international adoptions. The number one reason cited is Radical Attachment Disorder. From infancy these children were not cared for, their needs went unmet and their brains literally did not form correctly. These children cannot reciprocate love or learn cause and effect the same way. The neglect or trauma they faced was so horrific they never are able to function in a normal family environment. Their brains never fully recover. In the majority of these cases we may never see the beauty. We may never understand why God led a family to adopt only to have something like that happen. All we can know is that we are to obey God's leading. We may not see the whole picture but he does.
Yes pursue your children, yes speak life and blessing into them and over them, but don't think by doing so it guarantees an easy or happy ending. God never promised that. He did promise through it all he'd never leave us or forsake us. I am called to obey him and to follow his leading and currently he's leading me to pursue my daughter's heart, tear down lies and build up other adoptive moms, and in it all to remember he is with me whether we see beauty or not.
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