The Baby Lost her Role
My youngest had a whole different experience with the adoption. She was the baby and she lost her special place, it took a while for her to figure out her role in the family.
My sweet baby girl. After having three miscarriages, and three hard pregnancies ending in c-sections, I had made the decision to have a tubal ligation. I had that tubal ligation at the same time I delivered my baby girl. Knowing she was going to be my last biological child I held her a little tighter. From birth she was a very difficult baby. She cried constantly and couldn't sleep unless she was wrapped to me. She refused to stop nursing at the normal year my other two had, continuing an additional year. She wouldn't eat any baby food. She also wouldn't talk. She grunted or pointed, to communicate with us in her own way. Much later we found out she had Sensory Processing Disorder, which explained to me the very hard baby and child she was.
She also had more allergies than I could count. She couldn't eat dyes, preservatives, gluten which I could somewhat understand. She also couldn't eat strawberries, oranges, cucumbers, spinach, tomatoes and many things that didn't initially make sense to me. Those things mimic acetylsalicylic acid, or aspirin and she is allergic to aspirin. Her reaction isn't always rash or loose stools but more behavioral. As a tiny toddler she would suddenly be spinning on the floor trying to bite my ankles while screaming and unable to make eye contact if she ate those things.
After many years of elimination diets, doctors, herbalist and occupational therapists, we figured out how to help our daughter be able to function the very best she could. With Sensory Processing Disorder she can get easily over whelmed. Her senses get over loaded and she needs what they call a "sensory diet", which is not food. This "diet" involves inputs to her brain through her senses, like brushing her arms, or a weighted blanket, or compression hugs. She has an auditory component which means she doesn't always hear what we say correctly. It gets all mixed up in her brain and comes out different. She thrives in calm, and peace, and low voices.
Due to our own special journey of learning what she needed I felt very close to her. I learned to be in tune with her feelings and moods and to detect when she was getting over stimulated before it was too much. I spent countless hours learning what to do to help her. I learned how to reach her and teach to her specific learning style. I watched her flourish.
Not only was she my baby, she also had very specific needs. She had just turned six when our adoption journey began and it was a whirlwind for her. She went from thinking this child was her friend and we were just doing play dates to very quickly having a sister in her space that never left. She didn't have 9 months of preparation, talking about becoming a big sister and what that meant. She had 5 weeks in which this new little one went back and forth and then suddenly stayed and didn't leave.
We tried to explain things to her as much as we could, but it was over whelming to her. She didn't know what to think. She was no longer the baby, she no longer got the most attention, but more than that this new little sister would get in her face and scream, would claw her and draw blood, would completely over whelm her senses and hurt her. This did not help her have good feelings toward adoption or her sister needless to say.
For many months I felt like my baby was in a cloud of fog. I couldn't reach her. It was very obvious that she felt misplaced. She didn't know her role anymore. She never could describe her own feelings and now it was even more pronounced. I saw her regressing in ways that broke my mommy heart. How could God be calling us to save this other little girl at the expense of my biological kids. I prayed often and sought out more resources and help. God made it clear to us to press on in adopting and reminded me that this season would pass. We wouldn't always be a new family, or dealing with adoption and court things. I held on to that. I also knew that God loved my baby girl so much more than I could ever imagine and he wouldn't allow her to be lost, he would lead me in helping her. I clung to Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd, he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young. He would be carrying her and leading me gently.
We got an occupational therapist that helped us with a "sensory diet". We spent more time rubbing down her arms with a Wilbarger Sensory brush. We did things like "climbing up the mountain" rubbing her arms with lotion or weather report rubbing her back with lotion. We got her gun muffs, and an hammock and tried to play referee to keep her safe.
After 2 years I asked her what she thought of adoption. She said, "It takes all your time away from me. It's crazy and it's stressful." She still does not look on it in a positive light. It's been a very hard transition for her, but slowly I see her stepping into her role as a big sister. She's quick to direct and tell her sister what to do. Where she used to fight over my lap or my hugs with her sister, now she is more patient to wait her turn. It's important she gets mommy and daddy dates and time without all the input of her new little sister. Through it all we called out her strengths. Like her caring heart, her tenderness towards babies and her willingness to help. We also pointed out her ability to pick up on other's feelings, and observe her world. By pointing out her strengths and giving her special time and accommodations we saw the fog lift and her gain back where she had regressed. God did not let her stay lost in that fog.
She now can spend hours playing with her sister making up games or jumping on the trampoline. They seem to enjoy each other's company much more. She also has been able to tell when her sister needs a hug or a helping hand and she's quick to help. Like regular sisters they also can fight fiercely. I continue to pray that she will grow in her role as a big sister and that one day she will look on adoption and her sister without feeling the loss of her old role in the family.
My sweet baby girl. After having three miscarriages, and three hard pregnancies ending in c-sections, I had made the decision to have a tubal ligation. I had that tubal ligation at the same time I delivered my baby girl. Knowing she was going to be my last biological child I held her a little tighter. From birth she was a very difficult baby. She cried constantly and couldn't sleep unless she was wrapped to me. She refused to stop nursing at the normal year my other two had, continuing an additional year. She wouldn't eat any baby food. She also wouldn't talk. She grunted or pointed, to communicate with us in her own way. Much later we found out she had Sensory Processing Disorder, which explained to me the very hard baby and child she was.
She also had more allergies than I could count. She couldn't eat dyes, preservatives, gluten which I could somewhat understand. She also couldn't eat strawberries, oranges, cucumbers, spinach, tomatoes and many things that didn't initially make sense to me. Those things mimic acetylsalicylic acid, or aspirin and she is allergic to aspirin. Her reaction isn't always rash or loose stools but more behavioral. As a tiny toddler she would suddenly be spinning on the floor trying to bite my ankles while screaming and unable to make eye contact if she ate those things.
After many years of elimination diets, doctors, herbalist and occupational therapists, we figured out how to help our daughter be able to function the very best she could. With Sensory Processing Disorder she can get easily over whelmed. Her senses get over loaded and she needs what they call a "sensory diet", which is not food. This "diet" involves inputs to her brain through her senses, like brushing her arms, or a weighted blanket, or compression hugs. She has an auditory component which means she doesn't always hear what we say correctly. It gets all mixed up in her brain and comes out different. She thrives in calm, and peace, and low voices.
Due to our own special journey of learning what she needed I felt very close to her. I learned to be in tune with her feelings and moods and to detect when she was getting over stimulated before it was too much. I spent countless hours learning what to do to help her. I learned how to reach her and teach to her specific learning style. I watched her flourish.
Not only was she my baby, she also had very specific needs. She had just turned six when our adoption journey began and it was a whirlwind for her. She went from thinking this child was her friend and we were just doing play dates to very quickly having a sister in her space that never left. She didn't have 9 months of preparation, talking about becoming a big sister and what that meant. She had 5 weeks in which this new little one went back and forth and then suddenly stayed and didn't leave.
We tried to explain things to her as much as we could, but it was over whelming to her. She didn't know what to think. She was no longer the baby, she no longer got the most attention, but more than that this new little sister would get in her face and scream, would claw her and draw blood, would completely over whelm her senses and hurt her. This did not help her have good feelings toward adoption or her sister needless to say.
For many months I felt like my baby was in a cloud of fog. I couldn't reach her. It was very obvious that she felt misplaced. She didn't know her role anymore. She never could describe her own feelings and now it was even more pronounced. I saw her regressing in ways that broke my mommy heart. How could God be calling us to save this other little girl at the expense of my biological kids. I prayed often and sought out more resources and help. God made it clear to us to press on in adopting and reminded me that this season would pass. We wouldn't always be a new family, or dealing with adoption and court things. I held on to that. I also knew that God loved my baby girl so much more than I could ever imagine and he wouldn't allow her to be lost, he would lead me in helping her. I clung to Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd, he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young. He would be carrying her and leading me gently.
We got an occupational therapist that helped us with a "sensory diet". We spent more time rubbing down her arms with a Wilbarger Sensory brush. We did things like "climbing up the mountain" rubbing her arms with lotion or weather report rubbing her back with lotion. We got her gun muffs, and an hammock and tried to play referee to keep her safe.
After 2 years I asked her what she thought of adoption. She said, "It takes all your time away from me. It's crazy and it's stressful." She still does not look on it in a positive light. It's been a very hard transition for her, but slowly I see her stepping into her role as a big sister. She's quick to direct and tell her sister what to do. Where she used to fight over my lap or my hugs with her sister, now she is more patient to wait her turn. It's important she gets mommy and daddy dates and time without all the input of her new little sister. Through it all we called out her strengths. Like her caring heart, her tenderness towards babies and her willingness to help. We also pointed out her ability to pick up on other's feelings, and observe her world. By pointing out her strengths and giving her special time and accommodations we saw the fog lift and her gain back where she had regressed. God did not let her stay lost in that fog.
She now can spend hours playing with her sister making up games or jumping on the trampoline. They seem to enjoy each other's company much more. She also has been able to tell when her sister needs a hug or a helping hand and she's quick to help. Like regular sisters they also can fight fiercely. I continue to pray that she will grow in her role as a big sister and that one day she will look on adoption and her sister without feeling the loss of her old role in the family.
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