We All Need an Outlet
If my son saw the title of this post he'd ask me what we were plugging in. I'm not talking that kind of outlet. I'm talking about needing a place to go or a thing to do when we are angry or having a hard time having self control. Like the other kind of outlet, it refuels us so we can focus and do what needs to be done.
My youngest regularly sees a counselor. One of her counselors explained to us that when she's feeling angry she has every right to that feeling. It might be coming out at the wrong time or against the wrong person, but she has anger inside because of all she's been through and she needs an outlet for it. It was suggested that she have a pillow pet to beat up and tear apart and scream at. For a while she had a pink pig pillow pet. She called it "Big Fat Bad Pig" which was what she had started referring to her abuser as, and she would stomp on it, hit it, tear it and bite it when angry. The pig soon became a torn up mess and was thrown away. This whole idea of taking out aggressions on something has two sides to it. One counselor had said, "If she needs to hit something, give her something to hit. If she needs to stab something give her something to stab." Okay that's where I draw a line. I really don't want her stabbing things. I don't want her practicing disturbing behavior. I know she needs to be able to get out her anger, but I don't want her to think she needs to always direct her anger at her abuser either. I don't want her to pretend she's hitting and kicking and biting him. While the counselor might think that's okay, that doesn't sit right with me. I think it had it's season with the pig pillow pet, but that season is over. I'll explain more in another post.
I do let her scream into her pillows. I let her punch them and hit them when she says she needs to hit something, but not pretend it's a person. I rather she get it out her rage in more productive ways. We have a small trampoline inside and a big one outside and letting her jump and flip and throw her weight around seems to help her calm down too. I've also had her get out play dough, she can squeeze it and smack it flat and create things with it. These things to me are a better outlet than stabbing things or pretending to beat up people.
Everyone in the family needs an outlet. My middle daughter has sensory processing disorder, and having all these changes happen in her home and her status as the baby has made it harder for her at times. She gets overwhelmed by the noise and tantrums and by having people constantly in her space, taking "her mommy time". Which I totally get. So her outlet is a hammock. It's spread across her bedroom above her bed. She can climb into it and wrap herself into a cocoon. She also has gun muffs to block out the noise. When she feels like she can't handle things anymore and wants to explode herself she can get away.
My son and oldest daughter have their own rooms to escape to. Yet they still need outlets at time for their frustrations. For my son when he's frustrated he needs cuddles and joking to calm him down or to "wrestle" with daddy, which is more like jumping on dad than wrestling. For my oldest daughter sometimes she needs to be able to turn her music up loud and jump around un-disturb or go do a craft or just get out of the house with friends. My husband's outlet is computer games and mine is writing. I can scribble all over paper all the mad, angry thoughts and then give them to God and feel so much calmer. There are days that I wish the counselor had said to me if you want to break something, go a head and throw your dishes across the house and break them, but she didn't. Somehow I don't think that would help much in the long run, we kind of need things to eat off of.
It is important to have an outlet, to have something to do when you're stressed or upset that helps calm you down. I think it's important for everyone. I also think it's important that the outlet does not practice bad behaviors, we want all our kids to practice good behaviors. It's especially true of trauma kids. They need to play and practice behaviors that are good. They usually have had years of seeing and doing unhealthy behaviors, so now is the time to change that.
Other things that I've added to my calming list for the kids and myself. Read-alouds, play dough, rice, sand or water play, blowing bubbles, swinging in a hammock, homeopathic calm drops, diffusing gentle baby essential oil or peace and calming, sniffing Stress Away oil, drinking Stress Ease tea or any herbal tea while sitting quietly, weighted blankets. I made weighted blankets for my two youngest kids and they help so much. You might think sand, rice and water play or blowing bubbles sounds too babyish, but it's really helpful and doesn't have to be babyish. Water play can be playing with cars or toys in water, but it could also be washing dishes and having the water running over your hands. It could also be taking a bath or swimming. We bought a giant bag of rice from Costco and put it in a container with a lid. I hid some toys in it. It amazing how neat it feels to dig through the rice and have it fall through your hands. It's calming and is a great sensory tool.
Being around animals is helpful too. We have a dog that is held and pet continuously. Petting animals brings down blood pressure and is calming. We also ride horses regularly. Something about horse back riding seems to calm my girls and has become one of their favorite outlets. My son rather hold chickens and collect eggs than ride horses. We don't have a farm, but we have friends who do and spending time out there is very therapeutic.
My youngest regularly sees a counselor. One of her counselors explained to us that when she's feeling angry she has every right to that feeling. It might be coming out at the wrong time or against the wrong person, but she has anger inside because of all she's been through and she needs an outlet for it. It was suggested that she have a pillow pet to beat up and tear apart and scream at. For a while she had a pink pig pillow pet. She called it "Big Fat Bad Pig" which was what she had started referring to her abuser as, and she would stomp on it, hit it, tear it and bite it when angry. The pig soon became a torn up mess and was thrown away. This whole idea of taking out aggressions on something has two sides to it. One counselor had said, "If she needs to hit something, give her something to hit. If she needs to stab something give her something to stab." Okay that's where I draw a line. I really don't want her stabbing things. I don't want her practicing disturbing behavior. I know she needs to be able to get out her anger, but I don't want her to think she needs to always direct her anger at her abuser either. I don't want her to pretend she's hitting and kicking and biting him. While the counselor might think that's okay, that doesn't sit right with me. I think it had it's season with the pig pillow pet, but that season is over. I'll explain more in another post.
I do let her scream into her pillows. I let her punch them and hit them when she says she needs to hit something, but not pretend it's a person. I rather she get it out her rage in more productive ways. We have a small trampoline inside and a big one outside and letting her jump and flip and throw her weight around seems to help her calm down too. I've also had her get out play dough, she can squeeze it and smack it flat and create things with it. These things to me are a better outlet than stabbing things or pretending to beat up people.
Everyone in the family needs an outlet. My middle daughter has sensory processing disorder, and having all these changes happen in her home and her status as the baby has made it harder for her at times. She gets overwhelmed by the noise and tantrums and by having people constantly in her space, taking "her mommy time". Which I totally get. So her outlet is a hammock. It's spread across her bedroom above her bed. She can climb into it and wrap herself into a cocoon. She also has gun muffs to block out the noise. When she feels like she can't handle things anymore and wants to explode herself she can get away.
My son and oldest daughter have their own rooms to escape to. Yet they still need outlets at time for their frustrations. For my son when he's frustrated he needs cuddles and joking to calm him down or to "wrestle" with daddy, which is more like jumping on dad than wrestling. For my oldest daughter sometimes she needs to be able to turn her music up loud and jump around un-disturb or go do a craft or just get out of the house with friends. My husband's outlet is computer games and mine is writing. I can scribble all over paper all the mad, angry thoughts and then give them to God and feel so much calmer. There are days that I wish the counselor had said to me if you want to break something, go a head and throw your dishes across the house and break them, but she didn't. Somehow I don't think that would help much in the long run, we kind of need things to eat off of.
It is important to have an outlet, to have something to do when you're stressed or upset that helps calm you down. I think it's important for everyone. I also think it's important that the outlet does not practice bad behaviors, we want all our kids to practice good behaviors. It's especially true of trauma kids. They need to play and practice behaviors that are good. They usually have had years of seeing and doing unhealthy behaviors, so now is the time to change that.
Other things that I've added to my calming list for the kids and myself. Read-alouds, play dough, rice, sand or water play, blowing bubbles, swinging in a hammock, homeopathic calm drops, diffusing gentle baby essential oil or peace and calming, sniffing Stress Away oil, drinking Stress Ease tea or any herbal tea while sitting quietly, weighted blankets. I made weighted blankets for my two youngest kids and they help so much. You might think sand, rice and water play or blowing bubbles sounds too babyish, but it's really helpful and doesn't have to be babyish. Water play can be playing with cars or toys in water, but it could also be washing dishes and having the water running over your hands. It could also be taking a bath or swimming. We bought a giant bag of rice from Costco and put it in a container with a lid. I hid some toys in it. It amazing how neat it feels to dig through the rice and have it fall through your hands. It's calming and is a great sensory tool.
Being around animals is helpful too. We have a dog that is held and pet continuously. Petting animals brings down blood pressure and is calming. We also ride horses regularly. Something about horse back riding seems to calm my girls and has become one of their favorite outlets. My son rather hold chickens and collect eggs than ride horses. We don't have a farm, but we have friends who do and spending time out there is very therapeutic.
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