Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day. On this day I celebrate and I choose joy. Today was blessed for me.
I remember many Mother's days that were very hard.
It had taken me 2 years to see the beautiful plus sign to tell me I was pregnant. My husband had spun me around when he found out. We were so happy. We had our first ultra sound and saw this amazing tiny heart fluttering. I was in awe staring at the monitor that showed a tiny circle with a spine line and a fluttering heart. I couldn't see hands or feet or anything detailed yet, but I was so in love. Asher Elijah we decided his name was. Within weeks of that ultrasound I started bleeding and when we went back in that amazing fluttering heartbeat had stopped. I sobbed uncontrollably. I wanted Asher more than anything else in this world and I felt robbed of the joy and excitement of becoming a mother.
Mother's day was hard. Seeing pregnant women all a glow or mother's cradling children in their arms just made my heart ache. The next year I again found out I was pregnant. This time I was more tentative, more reserved, trying to guard my heart. But this time I was throwing up, a good sign I was told. We went in and saw her tiny heart beat. My heart melted. I saw her little railroad track spine. She was measuring good. We went back a couple weeks later, the doctor just wanted to use precaution, due to my first loss. I was expecting to see her heart beating strong. I was still throwing up. As I looked at the screen there was no movement. No flutter. There had to be a mistake. I was still sick. I wasn't bleeding. What happened? The doctors wanted to let me "pass" my baby naturally, so we waited. But my body kept acting like I was still pregnant. My body was doing it's job, protecting my child. After a couple weeks of carrying my dead baby inside me the doctor decided to do a DNC. He was kind and prayed with me before the procedure. I told him I had heard they use a vacuum type instrument, and to please not do that. I saw my baby and I didn't want her sucked up. He assured me he wouldn't. I was put under and rolled back to have this operation. When I woke up my doctor came to me and said, "I want you to know when your baby came out, I stopped everything and showed her to everyone. I wanted them to see that even this early she was a whole little human being." I cried and thanked him. We went home and my arms ached. I wanted to hold my baby. We were supposed to go to the funeral home, as they had gotten her from the hospital, wrapped her in a tiny knitted blanket my husband made for her and placed her in an urn vault. I remember saying to my husband, "We have to go pick up our baby," and then tears ran uncontrollably as I knew we weren't picking up a living baby. The funeral home was amazing, they hadn't dealt with very many miscarried babies, but even they were amazed at how perfect and tiny she was. We found out through testing that as we had suspected she was in fact a baby girl and we named her Faith. As I went to church weeks later on a Mother's Day, I sat sobbing. My two precious loved babies had never made it into my arms. They had gone straight from my womb to heaven and I desperately wanted them. I desperately wanted to be their mother. After loosing Faith we were told that our babies had trisomy 13 and that we were "lucky" as had they lived to be born they would have died within days or hours of birth. I didn't feel very lucky. I was told it was darn near impossible for my husband and I to conceive and give birth to a baby that was healthy. I was devastated. Many more Mother's days my heart ached.
Then five years into our marriage God provided a miracle. I gave birth to a premature, but completely healthy beautiful little girl. Mother's days didn't hold the same sting anymore. Yet I was aware of the sting for other's. I was aware that as people recognized me as a mom of one baby I had two more in heaven that I was eager to meet. After her we lost another baby, who we named Malachi. Then we went on to have two more healthy children and adopt another. I am now the mother of 4 beautiful healthy kids here on earth, and three beautiful children that I will get to meet someday.
A year after my son was born I had a new kind of challenging Mother's day. My mom was missing. She had disappeared. Five years ago I heard from police that she could no longer be considered a missing person as they had stopped her crossing the border into Mexico and she was safe, so she was released to herself. The missing person report is gone, but she's still missing. I don't know where she is or if she's even alive. So now on Mother's day there is a ting of pain seeing the multi-generation photos and reading the Mother's day cards that I can't give to my mother. I hope she is well. I hope she is safe and I hope even though she's chosen to be missing from me that she will choose to be seen by God, and that one day I can see her in heaven where she will be free from her mental illness and pain and I can embrace her once again.
Today I feel blessed to have my kids, my husband and my mother-in law to celebrate with. I am able to laugh and enjoy the day without the heartache that I've felt many times over the last 15 years. Yesterday I cried for my mom, but today I rejoice in my children and in the fact that I serve an amazing God and one day all things will be made right.
Happy Mother's day to all my beautiful friends. I know some of you are deep in sorrow today due to the loss of your beautiful children. Some of you are in sorrow today over the loss of your amazing mothers. I see you, more importantly God sees you. You are so greatly loved, even as your arms ache to hold on to your precious loved ones. I pray today you would be filled with the peace of God, the presence of God and that you could rest in that love today. That your eyes would be open to some simple joy around you and that you too could have a Happy Mother's Day.
I remember many Mother's days that were very hard.
It had taken me 2 years to see the beautiful plus sign to tell me I was pregnant. My husband had spun me around when he found out. We were so happy. We had our first ultra sound and saw this amazing tiny heart fluttering. I was in awe staring at the monitor that showed a tiny circle with a spine line and a fluttering heart. I couldn't see hands or feet or anything detailed yet, but I was so in love. Asher Elijah we decided his name was. Within weeks of that ultrasound I started bleeding and when we went back in that amazing fluttering heartbeat had stopped. I sobbed uncontrollably. I wanted Asher more than anything else in this world and I felt robbed of the joy and excitement of becoming a mother.
Mother's day was hard. Seeing pregnant women all a glow or mother's cradling children in their arms just made my heart ache. The next year I again found out I was pregnant. This time I was more tentative, more reserved, trying to guard my heart. But this time I was throwing up, a good sign I was told. We went in and saw her tiny heart beat. My heart melted. I saw her little railroad track spine. She was measuring good. We went back a couple weeks later, the doctor just wanted to use precaution, due to my first loss. I was expecting to see her heart beating strong. I was still throwing up. As I looked at the screen there was no movement. No flutter. There had to be a mistake. I was still sick. I wasn't bleeding. What happened? The doctors wanted to let me "pass" my baby naturally, so we waited. But my body kept acting like I was still pregnant. My body was doing it's job, protecting my child. After a couple weeks of carrying my dead baby inside me the doctor decided to do a DNC. He was kind and prayed with me before the procedure. I told him I had heard they use a vacuum type instrument, and to please not do that. I saw my baby and I didn't want her sucked up. He assured me he wouldn't. I was put under and rolled back to have this operation. When I woke up my doctor came to me and said, "I want you to know when your baby came out, I stopped everything and showed her to everyone. I wanted them to see that even this early she was a whole little human being." I cried and thanked him. We went home and my arms ached. I wanted to hold my baby. We were supposed to go to the funeral home, as they had gotten her from the hospital, wrapped her in a tiny knitted blanket my husband made for her and placed her in an urn vault. I remember saying to my husband, "We have to go pick up our baby," and then tears ran uncontrollably as I knew we weren't picking up a living baby. The funeral home was amazing, they hadn't dealt with very many miscarried babies, but even they were amazed at how perfect and tiny she was. We found out through testing that as we had suspected she was in fact a baby girl and we named her Faith. As I went to church weeks later on a Mother's Day, I sat sobbing. My two precious loved babies had never made it into my arms. They had gone straight from my womb to heaven and I desperately wanted them. I desperately wanted to be their mother. After loosing Faith we were told that our babies had trisomy 13 and that we were "lucky" as had they lived to be born they would have died within days or hours of birth. I didn't feel very lucky. I was told it was darn near impossible for my husband and I to conceive and give birth to a baby that was healthy. I was devastated. Many more Mother's days my heart ached.
Then five years into our marriage God provided a miracle. I gave birth to a premature, but completely healthy beautiful little girl. Mother's days didn't hold the same sting anymore. Yet I was aware of the sting for other's. I was aware that as people recognized me as a mom of one baby I had two more in heaven that I was eager to meet. After her we lost another baby, who we named Malachi. Then we went on to have two more healthy children and adopt another. I am now the mother of 4 beautiful healthy kids here on earth, and three beautiful children that I will get to meet someday.
A year after my son was born I had a new kind of challenging Mother's day. My mom was missing. She had disappeared. Five years ago I heard from police that she could no longer be considered a missing person as they had stopped her crossing the border into Mexico and she was safe, so she was released to herself. The missing person report is gone, but she's still missing. I don't know where she is or if she's even alive. So now on Mother's day there is a ting of pain seeing the multi-generation photos and reading the Mother's day cards that I can't give to my mother. I hope she is well. I hope she is safe and I hope even though she's chosen to be missing from me that she will choose to be seen by God, and that one day I can see her in heaven where she will be free from her mental illness and pain and I can embrace her once again.
Today I feel blessed to have my kids, my husband and my mother-in law to celebrate with. I am able to laugh and enjoy the day without the heartache that I've felt many times over the last 15 years. Yesterday I cried for my mom, but today I rejoice in my children and in the fact that I serve an amazing God and one day all things will be made right.
Happy Mother's day to all my beautiful friends. I know some of you are deep in sorrow today due to the loss of your beautiful children. Some of you are in sorrow today over the loss of your amazing mothers. I see you, more importantly God sees you. You are so greatly loved, even as your arms ache to hold on to your precious loved ones. I pray today you would be filled with the peace of God, the presence of God and that you could rest in that love today. That your eyes would be open to some simple joy around you and that you too could have a Happy Mother's Day.
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